Monday, July 6, 2009
in the arms of angels
to me, you still are the image of resilience and of fight, of gentleness and of sacrifice. it breaks my heart to see you like this, how everyday you seem to be fading further and further away and yet still trying to cling on as hard as you can to whom you love the most. i see your struggles, i try my best to understand what you're going through and how i wish that i never had to experience anything like this ever again. when i see how hard you strive to function normally i still don't know if i should let you retain your dignity or risk insulting or shaming you by underestimating your independence. i want what is best for you but i ache at the thought of knowing that what might be best for you may not the outcome that i had hoped for. and what hurts the most is the thought of all the things i want you to experience that you're now never going to and how soon who you are will just be in our thoughts and in old pictures.
i always knew this day would come but i am still overwhelmed by how unprepared i am to let go.
Friday, June 26, 2009
and i wonder if you ever think of me
pre-script: i am so tired that immediately after this, i am going to take a shower and pop into bed by 9pm. yay (:
okay well the only reason why i'm here is to tell you about this:
SMK Seafield's Hari Karnival.
it's on the 5th of july, from 9am until 3pm, and there's lots of food and stuff and everything, so yay please come.
coupons start at RM10. my class selling satay and other cool edible things.
okay i know i'm doing a horrible job of promoting it, but please come and support me and school so that we can have more money to have a better field and upgrade our library and stuff like that.
please come /: and yes, i'm talking to you, 365-ers! i'm selling coupons. come see me if you want some. it's not just my school, it's johanna's school too. and marcus lee's. and lucas lee's. and alex wong's. and you know, other cool people. so come and support our school. you can come after church service ends and come and eat lunch and lepak at Seafield.
especially all you ex-seafieldians in church, like joel yim and tan meng yoe.
so come and support Seafield! (and buy coupons from me).
p/s: huge last minute projects are detrimental to your overall health.
okay well the only reason why i'm here is to tell you about this:
SMK Seafield's Hari Karnival.
it's on the 5th of july, from 9am until 3pm, and there's lots of food and stuff and everything, so yay please come.
coupons start at RM10. my class selling satay and other cool edible things.
okay i know i'm doing a horrible job of promoting it, but please come and support me and school so that we can have more money to have a better field and upgrade our library and stuff like that.
please come /: and yes, i'm talking to you, 365-ers! i'm selling coupons. come see me if you want some. it's not just my school, it's johanna's school too. and marcus lee's. and lucas lee's. and alex wong's. and you know, other cool people. so come and support our school. you can come after church service ends and come and eat lunch and lepak at Seafield.
especially all you ex-seafieldians in church, like joel yim and tan meng yoe.
so come and support Seafield! (and buy coupons from me).
p/s: huge last minute projects are detrimental to your overall health.
Monday, June 22, 2009
from tonight i know that you're the only one
we have this new school system whereby all form 6 students are required to stay back until 3.40pm on mondays and tuesdays, and until 3.00pm on wednesdays and thursdays.
by 2pm, everybody started dying already. i didn't eat lunch because i somehow decided that i wouldn't. i wasn't hungry anyway. so now, at 6pm, i am starving yo. but have i told you? that i am now disgustingly repulsed by my blobs of fat that it has come to a point where i think feeling hungry is good and starving is fantastic. because that means i haven't eaten. and that will come to me losing weight. yah i am mildly anorexic now. i remember never learning how to control my diet as a kid (not that i was very fat then also! but anyways) and i am disgusted by my behaviour back then. hence, i am making up for all that compulsiveness by not eating now.
the start of the second half of the academic year also means that STPM is near. it's in sight. it's 5 months away. it's time to welcome back 10 hour studying marathons and forsaking TV and saying hello to voluntarily destroy my social life. studying. pfft.
the start of the second half of the academic year also means that there are Lower 6s! sometimes, i miss being part of Lower 6. you come to school, but there's no major exam and everything is so relaxed and fun and whatever. Upper 6 is like the culmination of all your nightmarish school and exam experiences.
but whatever lah. Upper 6 also means we're nearing the exit (:
p/s: i imagine that if i had to picturize my brain, it would now be described as almost flatlining. seriously, tonight i think i am just going to die on my bed at 9pm instead of getting any studying done.
pp/s: and this whole staying back for more tutorials until 3.40pm is supposed to better our academic positions???
ppp/s: i have re-started accounting my expenses. i am bad when it comes to money. conclusion? i am now missing about an extra 10 bucks, which i've spent on don't know what at don't know where during don't know when.
pppp/s: i realized that the song 'Like A Star', which i performed at the wedding dinner where people said the female vocalist was damn chun, is quite a common song for a lot of happy endings of movies. i have now grown an emotional attachment to that song. it is synonymous with happy endings. happy romantic endings in particular.
ppppp/s: i also grow emotional attachments to inanimate objects like my house keys, my stationery and my air cond and air cond remote.
by 2pm, everybody started dying already. i didn't eat lunch because i somehow decided that i wouldn't. i wasn't hungry anyway. so now, at 6pm, i am starving yo. but have i told you? that i am now disgustingly repulsed by my blobs of fat that it has come to a point where i think feeling hungry is good and starving is fantastic. because that means i haven't eaten. and that will come to me losing weight. yah i am mildly anorexic now. i remember never learning how to control my diet as a kid (not that i was very fat then also! but anyways) and i am disgusted by my behaviour back then. hence, i am making up for all that compulsiveness by not eating now.
the start of the second half of the academic year also means that STPM is near. it's in sight. it's 5 months away. it's time to welcome back 10 hour studying marathons and forsaking TV and saying hello to voluntarily destroy my social life. studying. pfft.
the start of the second half of the academic year also means that there are Lower 6s! sometimes, i miss being part of Lower 6. you come to school, but there's no major exam and everything is so relaxed and fun and whatever. Upper 6 is like the culmination of all your nightmarish school and exam experiences.
but whatever lah. Upper 6 also means we're nearing the exit (:
p/s: i imagine that if i had to picturize my brain, it would now be described as almost flatlining. seriously, tonight i think i am just going to die on my bed at 9pm instead of getting any studying done.
pp/s: and this whole staying back for more tutorials until 3.40pm is supposed to better our academic positions???
ppp/s: i have re-started accounting my expenses. i am bad when it comes to money. conclusion? i am now missing about an extra 10 bucks, which i've spent on don't know what at don't know where during don't know when.
pppp/s: i realized that the song 'Like A Star', which i performed at the wedding dinner where people said the female vocalist was damn chun, is quite a common song for a lot of happy endings of movies. i have now grown an emotional attachment to that song. it is synonymous with happy endings. happy romantic endings in particular.
ppppp/s: i also grow emotional attachments to inanimate objects like my house keys, my stationery and my air cond and air cond remote.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
busyness!
okay. an update in bits and pieces.
1.
i thought my holidays rocked. they were well spent, no days were wasted doing nothing. even my mother acknowledged the productivity of my holidays. pearly and i spent two nights at nat's house for some much needed girl-bonding, which pearly pointed out that this could very well be the last time we do this before she leaves for the UK. and and and i also had my first ever 'sort of' gig, with Tuesday 38. i sang and played with joel, garrett and adrian at adrian's cousin's wedding and everyone said the female vocalist, meaning yours truly, was damn chun. gila proud! (:
2.
maybe you've noticed that there are HORRIBLE HORRIBLE pictures of me on facebook in the SOS album. *sigh* i was not born photogenic. i was considering untagging myself in the pictures in case some hot guy looks through my facebook photos and sees those ugly pictures and gets turned off, but i decided not to. because untagging myself would make me seem like i was in denial, or that i am terribly insecure about my looks. and i decided that low self-esteem and self-mutiltation was much less attractive than ugly photos.
3.
okay, i have to tell you my sad sad shoe story.
see, my auntie and cousin came to visit from hong kong. and one day after lunch with afore mentioned cousin and auntie, she decided to take us shopping and she will sponsor each of the girl cousins RM200 each to shop. *this btw, is like something that only happens in daydreams*
so i saw this amazingly gorgeous pair of black heels at 70 bucks. gorgeous. awesome awesome pair of shoes. everybody wow-ed when they saw it.
they didn't have my size.
sadly, this happened not once, but THREE FREAKING TIMES.
4.
it's nearing trials. i thought i just got over mid-terms. which btw, marks didn't suck as bad as i thought they would but they certainly were nowhere near fantastic either.
5.
my mother has put me and my sister on a shopping fast. we're banned from buying anything, or even going to shopping malls. which is good, cos i'm pretty much going to be broke for the rest of the month. i think i need this shopping fast because just because i now have this mentality that just cos i have extra money i can spend, so it's time to change that mentality and be frugal!
btw, i watched Confessions of A Shopaholic and you know the part where she sells off all her stuff to pay back all her debts? i was so mad! if that were me, i would have kept the stuff. i think. and find some other way to clear my debts.
6.
i hate people who don't reply e-mails.
1.
i thought my holidays rocked. they were well spent, no days were wasted doing nothing. even my mother acknowledged the productivity of my holidays. pearly and i spent two nights at nat's house for some much needed girl-bonding, which pearly pointed out that this could very well be the last time we do this before she leaves for the UK. and and and i also had my first ever 'sort of' gig, with Tuesday 38. i sang and played with joel, garrett and adrian at adrian's cousin's wedding and everyone said the female vocalist, meaning yours truly, was damn chun. gila proud! (:
2.
maybe you've noticed that there are HORRIBLE HORRIBLE pictures of me on facebook in the SOS album. *sigh* i was not born photogenic. i was considering untagging myself in the pictures in case some hot guy looks through my facebook photos and sees those ugly pictures and gets turned off, but i decided not to. because untagging myself would make me seem like i was in denial, or that i am terribly insecure about my looks. and i decided that low self-esteem and self-mutiltation was much less attractive than ugly photos.
3.
okay, i have to tell you my sad sad shoe story.
see, my auntie and cousin came to visit from hong kong. and one day after lunch with afore mentioned cousin and auntie, she decided to take us shopping and she will sponsor each of the girl cousins RM200 each to shop. *this btw, is like something that only happens in daydreams*
so i saw this amazingly gorgeous pair of black heels at 70 bucks. gorgeous. awesome awesome pair of shoes. everybody wow-ed when they saw it.
they didn't have my size.
sadly, this happened not once, but THREE FREAKING TIMES.
4.
it's nearing trials. i thought i just got over mid-terms. which btw, marks didn't suck as bad as i thought they would but they certainly were nowhere near fantastic either.
5.
my mother has put me and my sister on a shopping fast. we're banned from buying anything, or even going to shopping malls. which is good, cos i'm pretty much going to be broke for the rest of the month. i think i need this shopping fast because just because i now have this mentality that just cos i have extra money i can spend, so it's time to change that mentality and be frugal!
btw, i watched Confessions of A Shopaholic and you know the part where she sells off all her stuff to pay back all her debts? i was so mad! if that were me, i would have kept the stuff. i think. and find some other way to clear my debts.
6.
i hate people who don't reply e-mails.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
a confession and a lesson learnt.
you know the story in the bible about Mary and Martha? how Martha was the one who ran about busying herself with all the responsibilities and duties while Mary was the one who sat at Jesus' feet, listening to every word He had to say.
i was always a Martha. i was the one who thought about everything that needed to be done and how they were supposed to be done. i identified when Martha complained about Mary not helping her with the obligations and i didn't see any wrong in Martha's service. after all, Martha was merely serving in the way that she best knew how. i did all the things i was supposed to do because i wanted to use every talent and gifting i had to return all the glory to God. i fulfilled responsibilities because doing things was the best way i know to serve. i didn't really feel that the chiding that Martha received for her work was all that justified.
but during SOS, God taught me to see things in a new light. Mary captured the heart, the essence of servanthood which was the undying devotion and desire to glean from her Lord and Saviour while Martha was executing acts of servanthood while excluding herself from fellowship with the greatest Servant of all.
i felt challenged to move from being a Martha to becoming a Mary. i remember clearly God asking me 'what is the point of all your service?' because i know that a lot of the time, my talents got in the way of really developing my relationship with my Almighty Saviour. i knew i neglected worship and fellowship with God because i was more concerned with what i thought was needed to be done.
it was that way how i sometimes got too carried away with how the worship team was doing. i got annoyed when people would turn up late, wouldn't carry their weight in the team, weren't prepared and weren't doing their passionate best. i got frustrated at everyone during the pre-SOS practice sessions because i felt that we weren't doing a good enough job.
but on the morning of SOS, i felt God challenging me to not get frustrated at the team. i promised that i wouldn't stress out, i wouldn't be impatient with anyone, i wouldn't let it affect my emotions and i was surprised how much of a difference it made to my own personal worship. i didn't get intense about who wasn't playing what correctly or if something wasn't right but tried having a good spirit while offering correction and assistance. and i felt more love and joy in not just playing, but also serving Him in this way.
God reminded me about the heart of servanthood. it's easy to serve when things seem good, like when you're on stage and the musicians in the team are highly skilled and experienced, but when the worship leader insists on irrational requests or the worship team is full of newbies and everybody is just being profoundly stupid, that's when the heart of servanthood is required to be put into practice. God deserves not just the best that we have, but ALL that we have.
i know this is a very wordy post. if you've managed to read it all the way to the end, i congratulate you.
p/s: SOS is short for School of Servanthood, a 3 day 2 night sleepover in church organized by my youth group.
i was always a Martha. i was the one who thought about everything that needed to be done and how they were supposed to be done. i identified when Martha complained about Mary not helping her with the obligations and i didn't see any wrong in Martha's service. after all, Martha was merely serving in the way that she best knew how. i did all the things i was supposed to do because i wanted to use every talent and gifting i had to return all the glory to God. i fulfilled responsibilities because doing things was the best way i know to serve. i didn't really feel that the chiding that Martha received for her work was all that justified.
but during SOS, God taught me to see things in a new light. Mary captured the heart, the essence of servanthood which was the undying devotion and desire to glean from her Lord and Saviour while Martha was executing acts of servanthood while excluding herself from fellowship with the greatest Servant of all.
i felt challenged to move from being a Martha to becoming a Mary. i remember clearly God asking me 'what is the point of all your service?' because i know that a lot of the time, my talents got in the way of really developing my relationship with my Almighty Saviour. i knew i neglected worship and fellowship with God because i was more concerned with what i thought was needed to be done.
it was that way how i sometimes got too carried away with how the worship team was doing. i got annoyed when people would turn up late, wouldn't carry their weight in the team, weren't prepared and weren't doing their passionate best. i got frustrated at everyone during the pre-SOS practice sessions because i felt that we weren't doing a good enough job.
but on the morning of SOS, i felt God challenging me to not get frustrated at the team. i promised that i wouldn't stress out, i wouldn't be impatient with anyone, i wouldn't let it affect my emotions and i was surprised how much of a difference it made to my own personal worship. i didn't get intense about who wasn't playing what correctly or if something wasn't right but tried having a good spirit while offering correction and assistance. and i felt more love and joy in not just playing, but also serving Him in this way.
God reminded me about the heart of servanthood. it's easy to serve when things seem good, like when you're on stage and the musicians in the team are highly skilled and experienced, but when the worship leader insists on irrational requests or the worship team is full of newbies and everybody is just being profoundly stupid, that's when the heart of servanthood is required to be put into practice. God deserves not just the best that we have, but ALL that we have.
i know this is a very wordy post. if you've managed to read it all the way to the end, i congratulate you.
p/s: SOS is short for School of Servanthood, a 3 day 2 night sleepover in church organized by my youth group.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
for a jon.
1. who are you?
su-ann.
2. are we friends?
i guess so. no reason not to be.
3. when and how did we meet?
now this i don't know. you said we met when we were babies, but really got that young meh? i just know our parents were friends from a long time ago.
4. did you like me at all?
then? i don't remember. i guess i must have.
5. give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
jonjon. no reason. that's what you call yourself too.
6. describe me in one word.
unpredictable! there seems to be a lot of things that i don't know about you. you've changed alot since we were kids la, jon!
7. what was your first impression of me?
eh, you were quite fair and chubby and had (have) sepet eyes. and you were quiet! and shy!
8. do you still think about me now?
you are still pretty fair and chubby and have sepet eyes! but you're not so quiet and shy anymore. got girlfriend already sumore huh.
9. what reminds you of me?
bushy hair.
10. if you could give me anything in the world, what would it be?
a comb.
11. how well do you know me?
not very well, i guess. i know stuff about you, though.
12. when was the last time you saw me?
sunday. you were trying to build the 6 ft tall wooden cross. architect, fail! (:
13. ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
hmm. not really. if there's anything i wanted to tell you, i would have told you.
14. are you going to post this in your notes and see what i say about you?
i have. you did it for me here. that was very nice of you.
15. what's my best attribute?
i think you're very patient and you do look out for other people's interest and welfare.
(btw, sophisticated isn't an attribute, jon.)
su-ann.
2. are we friends?
i guess so. no reason not to be.
3. when and how did we meet?
now this i don't know. you said we met when we were babies, but really got that young meh? i just know our parents were friends from a long time ago.
4. did you like me at all?
then? i don't remember. i guess i must have.
5. give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
jonjon. no reason. that's what you call yourself too.
6. describe me in one word.
unpredictable! there seems to be a lot of things that i don't know about you. you've changed alot since we were kids la, jon!
7. what was your first impression of me?
eh, you were quite fair and chubby and had (have) sepet eyes. and you were quiet! and shy!
8. do you still think about me now?
you are still pretty fair and chubby and have sepet eyes! but you're not so quiet and shy anymore. got girlfriend already sumore huh.
9. what reminds you of me?
bushy hair.
10. if you could give me anything in the world, what would it be?
a comb.
11. how well do you know me?
not very well, i guess. i know stuff about you, though.
12. when was the last time you saw me?
sunday. you were trying to build the 6 ft tall wooden cross. architect, fail! (:
13. ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
hmm. not really. if there's anything i wanted to tell you, i would have told you.
14. are you going to post this in your notes and see what i say about you?
i have. you did it for me here. that was very nice of you.
15. what's my best attribute?
i think you're very patient and you do look out for other people's interest and welfare.
(btw, sophisticated isn't an attribute, jon.)
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
just like a song in my heart
jika semua kaunter dibuka serentak pada pukul 8 pagi dan setiap pelanggan mengambil masa 10 minit untuk siapkan urusannya di kaunter, berapa lamakah yang perlu diambil untuk Ali, Ahmad dan Raju untuk keluar dari bank bersama-sama?
a. 1 jam 10 minit
b. 1 jam 20 minit
c. 1 jam 30 minit
d. 1 jam 40 minit
if all the counters open simultaneously at 8am and it takes 10 minutes for each customer to settle his matters at the counter, how long would it take for Ali, Ahmad and Raju to leave the bank together?
a. 1 hour 10 minutes
b. 1 hour 20 minutes
c. 1 hour 30 minutes
d. 1 hour 40 minutes
yeah, what kind of stoooopid question is this? it came out in Pengajian Am 1 this morning.
nevertheless, with that, ends my mid-term exams (: and i will be free for the next two weeks. a bit short compared to jamie and pearly who have 4 months and 3 months break each, but 2 weeks is not bad.
may the holidays begin!
p/s: my friend's current romantic developments are seriously making me feel single. nevertheless, i vehemently soldier on alone in my path of singleness (:
pp/s: skinny pants or no skinny pants?
ppp/s: watching The Biggest Loser seriously makes me feel f-a-t.
nevertheless, with that, ends my mid-term exams (: and i will be free for the next two weeks. a bit short compared to jamie and pearly who have 4 months and 3 months break each, but 2 weeks is not bad.
may the holidays begin!
p/s: my friend's current romantic developments are seriously making me feel single. nevertheless, i vehemently soldier on alone in my path of singleness (:
pp/s: skinny pants or no skinny pants?
ppp/s: watching The Biggest Loser seriously makes me feel f-a-t.
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